To consider the array of subject matter and momentum throughout the semester feels both daunting and ominous when revisiting much of the material I have written down within the caverns of my notes, the archives via my blog posts, along with the inclusion of the thinkING essay and class discussions among many. The whole essence of reflecting on the course as a whole, as previously mentioned – is daunting. I say this not only due to the peculiar thematic elements present through the reading material during the past few months, but areas where I’d otherwise not think to consider viewing or providing any attention towards the content in question. To start the class off through a talk of paper made from rocky minerals and the pondering question of whether or not a geode is a rock brought forth an incertitude where I was quite unfamiliar with. In some instances, I am still unfamiliar, but in a rather alternative form of unfamiliarity. I do not see myself becoming well-acquainted with geological elements and terms in the coming future, but I am more of an acquaintance now than where I was originally. Whether that is a good or bad thing is debatable, and I suppose that makes for an interesting challenge.
One such challenge would be the innards of what may have been developedand eventually shared to the public forum, and the content that appears to be indefinitely trapped in my notebook for likely nobody else to see besides myself. The reconsidering of the geode when providing the external detail of its material, yet the enigma within may very well be uncertain to those who may not witness the disclosure of the internal contents. The ideas and theories that come about during regular discussions certainly provide a wide bridge between differing formats and styles that can provide a further analysis of a selected topic that all the more fuels the discussion at hand, or at the very least offers an extension towards something perhaps bigger and more musing than the original scope of the external question or subject in the first place. This also gives way to thinking far too much and may very well implode into ramblings that may never see the light of day – which of course becomes approximately half of my notebook. The other half might be further emphasized and unfolded into something worth sharing, or in some capacity that the original creator may find the content suitably worth sharing and or competent enough to be exposed, thereby having the geode erupt into full exposure. With that said, some geodes stay enclosed and that is what fascinates me the most. Where some contemporaries may think of the unseen documentation to be just scrapped or inferior ideas that make not for a sound means for discussion or response, I myself find the material to be something personally worthy to consider. From my own experience, much of what I would like to share may become dormant due to a variety of excuses reasons – perhaps an idea is thought to be inadequate for one’s particular standards, the ideas presented may be too far off to be considered relevant to the primary scope of the subject matter, or maybe one would find this information to not be “good enough’ to continue further.
I cannot recall how much the latter has plagued my life, my notion for taking risks, and the likes for wondering what could happen if I pressed further onto a particular topic – this is especially evident when remembering that I haven’t discussed anything specific so far besides rocks. Although I’ve come to notice that in putting forth any kind of material to a public format, I tend to provide a semblance of my own persona as I do it. I may add a mildly comical remark or a poignant thing that relates to one of my few isms that signify that this material is my own, that this material is a part of my spirit – if I even have one to begin with. That may very well be due to inputting my desire for whomever may read my nonsense work to hopefully see more of what I am capable of (if need be) and to maybe find a cause of understanding and identification through whatever I might say. Of course, this often works against me due to the heavy doubt and deprecation I have towards my own words – therefore I am prone to becoming rather vague, cynical, and perhaps seldom in posting anything at all. So if it were to be by definition meaningful – there’s a chance that I won’t give all of what I am, but only what I can give enough for that time. If not, then whatever I am willing and able to give – for I am only human after all. One may call that “bullshitting” or fulfilling an obligation, and that is also where my own cynicism kicks in. This very issue is likely why I’ll never see myself to be a scholar when there is far too much else to think about, where academics take a back seat in favor of every internal feeling I may have. Although I would also like to think that I won’t pull an Alabaster and attempt to crack the already screwed-up world and run amock about something new. I don’t particularly think that destroying the world would solve anything whereas the problem already exists in favor of creating a new one altogether.
One such fulfillment would be to list a line or a phrase from the material we’ve read and then emphasize something in conjunction to what it is, and hopefully give it enough sensibility to fit into the satisfactory holes that in extension fulfill a gradual requirement that pursues my alleged tenure further into whatever it is I am looking for. It’s starting to feel as if being downcast brings in the unfortunate tools needed in possessing the means in fulfilling this assessment. I suppose that makes me more of an Alabaster whereas the disillusionment takes its toll and I would rather see a wash in all that aches the innards of this strained geode. What good is there to be said if there is not much drive in the matter? My own personal drive is fractured. That may be a semblance of my own humanity or that of my uncertainty on what I believe is capable enough to be maintained. In this instance, what I believe should or shouldn’t be shared. Soon enough I may feel the need to keep everything at bay via the caverns of a weary notebook and perhaps give way to seeing it burn and or thrown into a trash can. Maybe that is very well the issue at hand with wanting to break an already weary world – one may prefer to see destruction of their own environment despite the capabilities at our disposal. Although when it comes to the idea of starting anew, I am unsure if such a thing is necessary, but instead finding a balance to parallel resolve with indignity. The world is a massive fracture in itself when considering it as such, as a geode needs a balance to fulfill its mainstay. This conflict to me comes as a necessary price to endure when fulfilling an obligation that may very well give way to exposing this particular geode. It’s almost funny when realizing such a thing so late after so much time being absorbed by the indignity, and being rather deaf to the resolve that comes with Essun’s own mortality, own responsibility. Of course, I don’t want to come off as exaggerating my own affairs like that of rebuilding a civilization, but at the very least I am compelled to submit to the balance of what a geode requires. The very same can be regarded for the whole Solarpunk theory that seems virtually impossible for this day and age, yet I can see this as being necessary for the balance that is necessary for that own geode’s exposure. The common second-person narrative present throughout M.K. Jemison’s work may very well echo the fact that you need the balance, not the world around you. Maybe that is me giving too much onto resolve, but that also seems – wait for it – necessary in order to come full circle into this heavy place we’ve come to live on.